Danger Will Robinson! Written in a VERY silly mood...



EX POST FACTO
By Hedeia

Warning: Highly vulgar and obscene. At least according to John. Also rather
silly and unedited.  Kind of like me. J


"I want to call my lawyer."

"So call your lawyer. But let's get this over with first."

"John. That is THE most unconstitutional thing I've heard all week."

He lounged against the kitchen counter, looking infuriatingly sexy for
someone so…well…infuriating.  "So sue me," he suggested.

"I just might!"

John sighed and reached for the portable phone on the wall.  "Here. Call Ira
if you want.  I'd love to hear how you explain this one."

"It would be easy," I said smugly.  "I'd just tell him I need his protection
because I'm being…threatened.  Unconstitutionally.  Because SOME people don't
believe in the first amendment."

"And what do you expect him to say?"

"That he'll take the case," I responded immediately.  "He IS our lawyer."

John muttered something incomprehensible, never exactly a good sign.

"There's an easy way to avoid litigation," I told him earnestly from my perch
on the kitchen chair where I'd been banished.

"I agree," he said.

"Right. Let it go."

"No, YOU accept the consequences of your actions."

"I like my idea better."

"I figured you might."

* *

I propped my elbows on the kitchen table. "Can I get up yet?"

"Is the matter settled?"

"It will be when you agree with me!"

"There's your answer."

I sighed. "Can we at least call out for pizza if we're going to be sitting
here all night?"

"You can't eat pizza, and you're a prisoner anyway.  WITH good behavior, I
might be able to swing some stale bread crusts and warm water…"

"John!"

The scary part was he didn't really look like he was kidding.

* *

Starving me has never been John's style.  I munched contentedly on grilled
chicken and cous cous while I waited for him to come to his senses.

"I didn't do anything terrible," I reminded him finally, taking a long draw
on my (iced) water.

"You never do," he agreed.

"So tell me what the big deal is!"

"You know perfectly well," he said firmly.

"Tell me anyway."

He pointed to my dinner. "You might want to eat before the forced labor part
of your sentence starts…"

I cleaned my plate faster than you can say "eighth amendment."

* *

"You're welcome to call Ira," John said.

I shrugged. "He's in the Hamptons this weekend."

John snorted something that sounded suspiciously like
"mphhardearnedmoneyblah."

"Look, I'm sorry if I offended you, but I AM free to say what I want. I am an
American," I said proudly.  I gave John my sweetest smile. "Want me to recite
the pledge?"

"Not exactly."

"Oh." I stopped, hand halfway to my heart. "Well, I have it memorized."

"You're very patriotic, darling," John agreed.  "By the way, you DO know that
the last line of the Star Spangled Banner isn't REALLY 'Play ball!', right?"

I flushed red, white and maybe blue.  "Of course I do."

(It's not?????)

* *
The kitchen is booooring.

I slumped in my chair and watched John lift a pot to see if it was fully
dried, then frown when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in it.

His hand dropped to his stomach.  "Tris? Am I getting chubby?"

My head snapped up.  "Want me to come over there and check?" I asked huskily.
It was a bit early for a conjugal visit, but…

"I said am I GETTING. CHUBBY." He enunciated firmly.

"Oh!  Um.  No, not at all," I said quickly, blushing.  Vanity, thy name is
Winter.  At least since he turned forty.  "You look gorgeous," I told him. 
"Want to go in the other room and I'll show you just how-"

"Nice try, Tris."

"Do I get one phone call?"

"You get one spanking. Are you ready?"

"NO!"

"Then I suggest you settle in and enjoy your time in our fair prison."

I slid down in my seat again and scowled.  Sing Sing has nothing on this room

* *

I propped my feet up on the chair across from mine, which John had vacated to
empty the dishwasher. The only good thing about my sentence was being excused
from that activity.

Although…I sniffed a bit.  Jail was HARD.  When pressed to admit it, I kind
of liked emptying the dishwasher with John.  There was usually a fair amount
of jostling and snuggling and talking involved.  And closeness. I like
closeness.  Feeling sorry for my solitary self, I stared out the window.  The
sun was setting. 

"Okay, I'm sorry."

John turned around, eyebrows in the air.  "Hallelujah!"

"What? I said I was hours ago!"

"I know. That was sarcasm."

"Ouch." I glared.

"Sorry, sweetheart.  I'd just really, really like to leave the kitchen
sometime tonight."

I didn't even bother trying to reason with him that it was HIS decision when
we left.  His mind doesn't work like that.  He's not one of those
power-crazed types, you know.  I think he sincerely believes he's
representing some higher power, perhaps some sort of King of Tops?  Maybe
there was a Mount Olympos of sorts somewhere where all the head Tops
frolicked and chugged nectar and ambrosia and had lots of sex like their
Ancient Greek counterparts.

Mmm…not a bad image, actually…

"Tris!"

"What?"

"What are you sorry for," he asked patiently.

"For using an expression that you for some crazy reason were offended by."

"Tris…"

"…by which you were offended," I corrected myself quickly.  Ending a sentence
with a preposition isn't a spankable offense - John's editorial staff would
find themselves in quite a bind if it were! - but I shudder to cross those
lines anyway.

"Or 'that offended you,' would be fine," he said, smiling.  "It was a
repulsive expression, and you are never going to say it again."

"Fine, I won't!"

"Not that easy.  I want to help you learn and I happen to KNOW a good way to
help you learn once and for all…"

I rolled my eyes.  Like that's something to brag about!

"No way.  Ira would tell you, John! It's ex post facto. You can't just make
up a rule to suit yourself, Marbury or no Marbury.  I didn't KNOW that
expression was off limits, so you can't spank me for saying it."

John sighed.  "It should have been obvious unless you were raised in a
particularly vulgar barn.  The expression is obscene and you know it."

"The matter of what constitutes obscenity is argued constantly in the Supreme
Court," I informed him prissily.  "I don't see how YOU can just up and say
what is and isn't."

He raised a change-your-tone eyebrow.

"Well, it would be setting very bad precedent anyway," I said hastily.

"So you're saying the second time you use it I can spank you? Just not this
time?"

"John, it would be my pleasure to be…well, you know…the next time I use it. 
Though I NEVER will again," I promised.

He considered this.  "Is it a deal?"

"It's a deal," I said immediately.  He extended his right hand and we shook,
then he pulled me up to my feet.  It was really nice to get out of that
chair, I'll admit. 

"Oh, Tris? Out of curiosity, what WAS that expression that offended me?"

"I said the YES network sucks ass," I reminded him.  "I can't believe you
forgot already when - HEY!  NO FAIR!!!  JOHNNNNN!" I wailed as he pulled me
after him to the couch.  My fate was sealed even before he sat down and
pulled me off balance across his lap.

"I WANT MY LAWYER!" I shrieked.

* *

"I still don't get what's so bad about it," I mumbled later that night,
resting on my stomach to nurse my wounds.  I'd calmed down somewhat…spending
the rest of the evening in tight legal embrace had helped.  And it's not like
I didn't KNOW John was a tough man to pull one over on…I mean on whom to pull
one over…I mean, oh, never mind.  I got grumpy again as I thought about the
perfectly harmless expression I'd used earlier. 

"I mean, what's the big deal about sucking ass anyway?" I asked irritably.

"Come over here and I'll show you," he said amiably.

"That is NOT what I meant," I retorted.

I rolled over to glare at him and he lifted one eyebrow at me.  "But it's
what *I meant," he purred.

I giggled in spite of myself and let him pull me close, enjoying the feel of
him against me, warm and solid and beautiful and, despite the sudden vanity,
not the LEAST bit chubby.

Well, except for -

"Ow!"  I put a hand behind me to rub.  "What was THAT for?" I asked, hurt.

John shook his hand out a bit and gave me a very severe look. "Some things
just ARE obscene," he said, and then kissed me before I could complain.

It seemed a fair settlement, really.

Case closed.


END.


Apologies to anyone and everyone I might have offended, and also to those I
haven't offended yet.  I promise to get to you soon.

Also, e-mail Rusty and tease her.  It keeps her honest!